Hello everyone! America has been threatened by terrorist activity once again! I say threatened because I mean exactly that. Newsflash, everyone: nothing happened. But, hey, why not continue feeding terrorists the delicious, golden-brown attention they crave by never shutting up about it on the news. The 24-hour news cycle has done its mind-numbing bidding at last: we’re literally reporting on something that didn’t happen. We’re literally reporting on a failed endeavor, which is too bad, because if we had started reporting on failed endeavors a few years ago, I’d be national celebrity by now. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink some scotch I never bought and eat some pizza that hasn’t been made- because according to the news, it still counts. The interesting thing about this case, though, is that the would-be bomber was caught because Emirate Airlines staff thought it was suspicious that he was paying for his ticket in cash, but of course that doesn’t matter because it would force you to think about things. I was actually in Times Square late the previous night, and I saw nothing suspicious. (A homeless man’s parsnip-shaped penis doesn’t count as suspicious)

To be fair, I also hate Times Square, but not enough to blow it up.

The New Orleans oil spill- “Obama’s Katrina” as our beloved news organization have taken to calling it- is also a news event that has taken place. I like the term “Obama’s Katrina” because an oil spill caused by a lack of corporate oversight is exactly the same as a completely randomly occurring natural event like a hurricane. Obama’s policy of quickly tending to the issue is also exactly the same as Bush’s policy of destroying levees with his fists and feet and legs. Also, speaking of hurricanes, I’ve wanted to say this since Katrina took place: what happened to the ‘crazy old white guy sitting on a porch’ pronunciation of the word “hurricane?” You know, “herriken.” I for one fully support bringing back that archaic pronunciation, along with ‘terlet’ for toilet, “Chewsdee” for Tuesday, and ‘Glenn Beck’ for rectum. The preservation of wacky regional pronunciations is our cultural responsibility as Americans, and I for one will not stand idly by and see them be sidelined by a bunch of Hollywood types. And as for the oil spill, I don’t know…go read about it in the news.

UH OH!

Greece is going broke, and rioters again are pouring into the streets and in some cases turning violent, like that time exactly the same thing happened a few years ago. It was horrifying: pits of broken porcelain plates everywhere. It’s interesting that they are rioting because I know a lot of Greek people, and I don’t feel like Greek people in general would be too bothered that their country is going broke. They’d probably just set fire to some feta and listen to some techno, because that seems to be the Greek solution to every problem, at least every problem since the time of Pythagoras, who, as we all know, also invented techno. But this fits in really well with the prevailing Southern European ideal of government: you don’t really need to run a country, and if you attempt to do so, the only option is failure. For more information, see General Franco and Silvio Berlusconi.

Greek rioters.

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