The News in Brief
Karzai’s Election
It seems that Hamid Karzai’s votes seem to be a little off if Afghanistan’s latest national election. In a move widely called “unpresedented” and “not even… remotely likel[y t]o happen,” by a poorly-printed English-language Afghan newspaper, Hamid Karzai, whom nobody ever suspected of becoming a dictator when the US installed him, has stolen the Afghan election.
Fidel’s Health
News out of Cuba says that Castro seems to be in better health. This article was dedicated to all those who thought “milling the fuck around and writing the occasional article” to be a more stressful job than “being the guy sitting on top of a ticking time-bomb of a nation.” But as far as Fidel’s health is concerned, my money’s on medical marijuana, but that may only be because I always subconsciously associated Castro with Jerry Garcia for some reason.
U.S. Healthcare
Legislators are debating over whether or not end-of-life care should be worked into our healthcare reform plan, and, if it is, what that would mean for its longevity. This is proof that the American dedication to capitalism has gone far enough that we’re mad about having to fund the end of someone’s life. It seems that America’s version of the Invisible Hand can also chase you down an alley and stab you repeatedly, and the not write a check to help fund your recovery.
The Obamas have taken a vacation. HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA DOES THINGS TOO.
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson’s burial is postponed to ensure he doesn’t miraculously come back to life, which we will continue to hear about for at least 3 more months if it does happen. That said, I’m really hanging out for a Michael Jackson-Tupac collaboration to come out soon. That would be badass.
Winter Olympic Woes
Leo Obstbaum, design coordinator for the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics has died suddenly. I suspect that his death was due to a clandestine cabal of Summer Olympic officials whose goals include keeping the Winter Olympics generally less interesting and relevant than the summer ones. Olympic royalties run deep: 30% of Los Angeles’ gang-related deaths due to arguments regarding the validity of slalom as legitimate entertainment.
Craaaazy Russia!
The original headline for this article about a blunder over Russian airspace was “Fighter jets collide, crash over Moscow.” I think it would be better suited if it were: “Russia Continues to be Militaristic, Hilarious.”
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Credits:
Written by: Dan Younessi
Article Cover by: Ernie Zahn
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