Believe it or not, it’s been almost a year since Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. I personally don’t believe it’s been that long because time flies when you spend the majority of your year drinking cheap vodka straight from the bottle and gently weeping. This is not because Obama was elected, but it’s just how I spend most of my time. Nonetheless, the world has changed dramatically even in this past year: we’ve seen political and social upheavals, economic collapse and partial recovery and the death of Michael Jackson, who we long thought was immortal. So, as an expert on world affairs with a four-year degree in economics from a state school, I think I have enough expertise to make a guide on the New World Order, rife with wholly accurate predictions of how the future will be. Let’s get started!

The US:

Having Barack Obama as president will be a small victory for the American liberal, who, complete with a Democratic mandate in Congress, will finally be able to get such controversial plans such as “universal healthcare” and “love and respect for people” legislated. It will be a bigger victory for American racists, who will finally be able to pin the blame on someone who is not an old white man.

The UK:

The UK will continue its decline into a Mad Max-esque murderdrome run by rival gangs of Pakistani newsstand operators and football hooligans.

France:

France, as a pinnacle of democracy and Western secularism, will ban all religious symbols (especially hijab), will abolish all religion (especially Islam), and will elect as President a pig named Snowball.

Spain:

Desertification will turn Spain into a hellish landscape, replete with blood-red wine, gruesome seafood that tastes like an orgasm in your mouth, and grueling, endless nights that consist of 5-6 hours of barhopping and gazing in quite awe at the most beautiful people God has put on this planet.

Figure 1: European map, 2050

Vladimir Putin will continue frequenting the gym, sneaking up on people in the dark and drinking potions made from fresh fruits, nuts, yogurt and small doses of pure uranium. The Russian people will not be surprised when he has his skin replaced with a coating of pure steel and legally changes his name to “Putin, Slayer of Men.”

Israel:

Israel will continue to exist.*

Palestine:

As will Palestine. *

Iran:

Ali Khamenei and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will return to the planet from which they came, having found out that human beings are significantly harder to infiltrate and control than they previous expected. Their colleague Prince Neeblox, who himself spent 8 years as President of the United States, will tell them that their cardinal error was stealing an election in the Middle East and not North America.

Figure 2: Iran is a frothing spearhead in the arousal and stimulation of the Middle Eastern democracy movement.

Afghanistan will continue to take it firmly in the twins from the US, the UK, Pakistan, India, Iran, the Taliban, al-Qaeda, the mujahidin…

India and China:

India and China will, due to tectonic and demographic shifts will slowly merge into one massive country of beige people who will be tremendously skilled at stealing your job and doing it for a bowl of rice a day.  Their success on the world scale, I imagine, is a lot less than most people imagine, because a bowl of rice really doesn’t deliver that many calories.

Honduras:

No one will care about Honduras because it doesn’t have oil.

Brazil:

The Brazilians will surprise everyone by somehow channeling excessive protein consumption and irrational skill at dancing into the basis for becoming the next global superpower. Stiff Northern European and American bodies will be tyrannized by the government-mandated 5 hour daily sambathon, and people will be discriminated against based on the firmness and curvature of their asses, and whether or not they can move independently of their bodies.

So there it is- those are my basic predictions for what’s to come. And there will be more on the way, as the ghastly freight train of public media rolls along the tracks, squashing us like so many deformed pennies. And what the world really needs is a man like me: an accurate highly educated and well-informed expert to explain the news properly, because we don’t have enough people like that around. But as for now, I have to bid farewell, as I have 50 CDs of samba to memorize.

*Possibly, we’ll let you know when the smoke clears.

Related posts:

1. New World Order (Sept. 2nd 2009)
2. The New World Order (Aug. 26th 2009)
3. Charlie Christ Around the World!