Ladies and gentlemen, please hold on to your fannies, when you gaze up at the sky around 9:00 PM EST, please do not be alarmed. We are not experiencing an invasion from alien aggressors in flying cat dishes. It’s worse…THE RUSSIANS!

Last night at 7:28 PM CRT (Crazy Russian Time) Russia launched an artificial satellite called Sputnik. According to our intelligence operatives, this will be the first of many artificial satellites in what is called the Sputnik program.

At this time we are uncertain if this satellite is armed with nuclear explosion units targeted at the western world but we must prepare for the worst! That’s why I say we all make a normal habit of hiding inside our obnoxiously large radio sets as pictured here:

Modern Bomb Shelter

We also can’t be sure what this new floating device looks like, but we believe it to be similar to this in shape and form:

Artist's Rendering of Russian Probe

Please contact us if you see anything remotely similar to this!

I dare say the best deterrent to prevent the Russians from taking further footholds in space would be for us to launch our own space program in a sort of space…race! We should telegraph the Air Force! No! We should allow a civilian group start a space program and perhaps they can call it…NASA! Righteously boneshaken in Darby, that has a good ring to it! Furthermore, let’s one plus the Russians. They orbit the Earth, well we’ll orbit the Moon! That’ll show those potatorsauruses! No, we’ll land people on the Moon!

Wait…I’m getting a new update.

It appears that this Russian satellite was launched 52 years ago and we landed on the moon 40 years ago. Well we always make mistakes! Happy 40th Anniversary Apollo 11!

Related posts:

1. The Monthly Telegraph is Back!